Lavender's Do-Over
by girl.with.many.faces
Summary: Based off of Fate Abridged. After being murdered by Fenrir Greyback, Lavender Brown woke up on the Hogwarts Express in the year nineteen ninety one. She decides Harry Potter will be her rival, Snape is actually Satan, and anime is probably 'the power he knows not.' That or explosives.
1. You Are Now My Rival!

**Someone once wrote a fanfic about a Lavender Brown who was completely anime obsessed and decided, 'screw Harry Potter, I'll be the hero!' and I can't find it anywhere! If anyone has any idea what I'm talking about, please comment or PM me.**

**This story is based off of Fate Stay Night Unlimited Bladeworks the Abdriged. Lavender has basically taken on the crazy Rin role, Parvati is taking on the passive aggressive Sakura role, and Snape is sort of Archer but not.**

**Anyways, if you haven't seen Unlimited Bladworks Abridged, go check it out on Youtube. It is a masterpiece!**

**I do not own Harry Potter, nor do I own Fate Stay Night Unlimited Bladeworks abridged or otherwise.**

"Ugh…what the fuck did I drink last night?" Lavender opened her tired eyes.

The clattering and motion wasn't letting her go back to sleep.

Wait…what?

Lavender bolted up into a stand. She looked around in confusion in an empty train compartment.

But…more importantly, had the compartments on the Hogwarts Express always been this big?

Further…hadn't she been mulled by a werewolf and killed?

She looked back over to the window, staring out at her ghostly reflection in the glass.

"Uh…I'm a midget again."  
She looked like she was eleven-years-old…give or take.

"Oh. Right. I forgot about this thing." Lavender scrunched her nose, noticing the bow tied in her hair.

Her aunt made her wear those weird hairbows all the time when she was younger.

Lavender plunked down in her seat.

She'd died…and now she was eleven…on the Hogwarts Express…

What the fuck…What the fuck!?

"Gha! This isn't happening! Is it? Did we lose? Did we win?" She pulled at her hair.

Okay…well, if Harry Potter didn't kill Voldemort, then she was just going to have to do it herself!

Come to think of it, Harry hadn't seemed all that motivated in school…Maybe she should push him! Like in those sports anime she always watched.

Lavender sprung up, a determined look on her face.

Whether it was her or Harry who got to him first, Voldemort was going down!

The compartment door opened up and a young Parvati Patil came in.

"Hi, I'm –"

"Can't talk, gotta find my rival. I'll be back soon though." Lavender said quickly, "Just wait here!"

Parvati watched as Lavender Brown ran off into the halls.

"Weird…" She murmured, then quickly shrugged it off and took a seat.

Lavender looked through the small windows on the doors into the different compartments.

Not Harry Potter…Not Harry Potter…Not Harry Potter…Where had he been sitting again?

Haha!  
She came across Draco Malfoy and his goons standing at a door.

"…You must be a Weasley."  
Lavender figured that must be Harry's compartment. He was always complaining about how Malfoy had been visiting him during the train rides.

Weird.

Lavender's eyes widened. Was he trying to establish himself as Harry's rival before she did?

No. She would not allow it!

"One hundred percent maximum no chill!"

She ran up to the blond boy and jumped into a flying kick, sending him back nearly three feet! Draco Malfoy landed on his ass.

"Ouch! Who are you? Do you know who you just kicked?!" Malfoy hissed at her.

Lavender ignored him.

Haha! It was Harry! He was looking at Lavender in confusion.

"You're Harry Potter!" Lavender pointed at him.

"Er…yes?" The stunned eleven-year-old was looking at her in bewilderment.

"My name is Lavender Brown and I've decided that you are now my rival!"

"Er…rival?" Harry wondered.

"You think you can just go around defeating every Dark Lord that rises, do you? Well I'll be defeating the next one. Make no mistake!"  
"Uh…" Was Harry's confused reply.

"Are you insane!?" Malfoy shouted at her.

Lavender sent him a smirk. She'd gotten to Harry before him.

"I win." She mouthed to him.  
Malfoy then mirrored Harry's expression.

Oh, that was Ron, Lavender noted the baffled red-headed boy sitting across from Harry.

Ugh. For some reason she still felt annoyed at him.

She hadn't really loved him or anything. She'd kind of been hoping to use him for some naked fun time, but the idiot just wouldn't take the hint!

"You!" She pointed at Ron who tensed up, "Learn to read social cues! And for Merlin's sakes, when a girl says she wants to go to a broom cupboard with you with chocolate sauce and whipped cream, it means more than snogging!"

"Ha?" Ron wondered, "What the bloody hell are you talking about!?"

Lavender sent him a glare. She then turned her dark look to Crabbe and Goyle before sending Malfoy one last look.

"Stay out of my way, Malfoy. Harry Potter is my rival, you got it? Not yours. Mine. Try and get in my way and you'll regret it."

"Are you threatening me? My father will – Ah!" Malfoy let out a scream as Lavender grabbed him by his ear, forcing him into a stand.

She then whispered something.

Malfoy let out a very unmanly squeak as Lavender let go of his ear, then ran away.

Lavender smirked as she watched him leave. She then turned back to Harry.

"You got it, Potter?!" She pointed back at the boy, "I will defeat you in every school subject! You'd best prove yourself worthy!"

She then turned on her heals and walked away.

"What…was that?" Harry wondered baffled as the girl named Lavender Brown left them.

"Beats me, mate. Bloody bonkers she is." Ron shook his head, "She's probably just crazy or something."  
"Right…" Harry trailed off.

So far, all the magicals he'd met seemed to be a little on the crazy side. Save maybe for Ron.

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Lavender returned to her compartment and beamed at Parvati.

"Hi, there! I'm Lavender Brown. A first-year witch. I love fashion, design, anime, and I'm adorable as all hell. Please to meet you!"  
Parvati smiled at her, then tilted her head to the side in confusion,

"What's anime?"

….

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…..

Parvati was a half-blood, much like Lavender. However, unlike Lavender, Parvati was mostly ignorant of the muggle world.

Lavender's father had been a half-blood. Her mother was a muggleborn. They had close ties to the non-magical world. Lavender, when she was young, had turned on the tele and grown up watching Sailor Moon during her summers. One of her neighbours had to explain to her what Anime was and that, of course had opened Lavender's eyes to a whole new world.

Had Sailor Moon even started airing yet? When did the Shin Cutie Honey OVAs originally come out again? Devil Man was fucking awesome but the English dub was trash. Yu Yu Hakushou was greatly overshadowed by Dragon Ball (a real shame), and let's not forget Slayers, Fishigi Yugi, Wedding Peach, Orphan, and Ghost in the Shell to name a few of her favourites.

Anyways, back on track, Parvati had a half-blood mother and a pureblood father. She had few connections to the non-magical world and was just as ignorant as most purebloods.

Lavender had taken on the responsibility (in both timelines) to educate her on important matters such as whether Hiei and Kurama ought to be shipped, whether Wedding Peach is really just a Sailor Moon knock off (it's not), and the importance of fanservice.

Of course, Parvati was eleven and now Lavender had to educated her all over again! It was a pain, but…maybe it was best to indoctrinate her young.

Lavender contemplated the pros and cons of her unique situation while Hagrid led the first years to the entrance under the castle.

After McGonagall led them to the chamber to wait for her return, the students started chatting amongst themselves nervously.

"How do you think we'll get sorted?" Harry asked Ron nervously.

"I don't know but, Fred and George said it really hurt." Ron shifted, looking back at Harry uncertainly.

Fred and George were jerks, Lavender thought.

"Fred said we have to fight a troll!" Ron bit his lower lip.

Hermione was reciting various spells under her breath.

Good Merlin! Did that girl already know the entire Hogwarts curriculum?

But she did stop to respond to Ron's declaration.

"I doubt we'll be fighting a troll." She said, "We're only first years."  
"You'd be surprised. Wait a few months." Lavender said absently.

Hermione shot Lavender a strange look,

"What do you mean by that?"

It was then that the ghosts came in to subtly but not so subtly warn all the first years about Peeves the poltergeist.

McGonagall eventually came in, scaring the ghosts away.

She had them all line up in pairs. Lavender stood beside Parvati as they walked into the great hall.

They piled by the corner of the teachers table awaiting for the hat to sing.

It was the same song, Lavender noted.

She looked over at Harry as they all clapped.

Would the hat sort her again? If it did, what house should she go to? Gryffindor like before where she could keep a closer eye on Harry? Or another house where she could heat up their rivalry?

"Brown, Lavender!" McGonagall called out.

Curse her family name for being so close to the beginning of the alphabet! She hadn't had time to decide!  
_You do realize it's my decision, right?_ The sorting hat said as it was placed over her head.

Lavender crossed her arms stubbornly.

_Hm…tricky. A good mind, incredibly impulsive though. I'm sensing some very round-about logic in that head of yours. Yet, it seems you mostly have good intentions._

Lavender gave a mental huff.

What was that supposed to mean?

_Yes…better be…_

"Gryffindor!" The hat declared out loud.

Well, it seemed the hat had made its decision, regardless of what she wanted (and she still didn't know what she wanted anyways).

The hat was removed from Lavender's head and she quickly made her way to the Gryffindor table.

There were no surprises, yet again. She knew where everyone was supposed to go.

Lavender mentally wondered what sort of affect her presence would have on the timeline. Was her being here really a good thing? Like…what if she messed something up and Harry died?

He had faced Voldemort, a basilisk, acromantula and dementors if the rumors were true.

She didn't doubt they were true, actually.

Why else would Harry be that good at casting a patronus?  
Harry's sorting took a long time, Lavender observed. She'd nearly forgotten about that. Though why had it taken so long? It seemed a bit peculiar. Did that mean the hat wanted to place him in another house? Which house had been considered?

"Gryffindor!" The hat decided at last.

They all clapped as Harry made his way to the Gryffindor table. The applause he received was the loudest and most enthusiastic.

The Weasley twins were jumping up and down, "We got Potter! We got Potter!" They cried happily.

It struck Lavender then that…she really didn't know anything about Harry.

He was supposed to be the one to save everyone but…he was also a stranger.

Screw that! She was going to be the one to defeat Voldemort this time!

Harry had already done it all, so far as she was concerned. And if she was going to mess up the timeline, then she'd better make sure not as many people died this time around. And there was always the possibility that Harry died because of the deviation.

After singing the Hogwarts song, the first years were all led by the prefects to the Gryffindor common room.

Lavender conked out the moment her head hit the pillow.


	2. The Devil's in the Details or Dungeons?

**There will be anime references. All of them 90s references because it sort of works with the timeline and because 90s anime is awesome.**

**Cutie Honey was written by the same guy who wrote Devilman. Shin Cutie Honey even has a cross over between the two series. It's also the most violent and graphic of all the Cutie Honey anime (in my opinion). I so want to do a crossover with Harry Potter and Shin Cutie Honey…maybe someday.**

**I do not own Harry Potter or the Fate Series. I don't even own the abridged versions.**

When Lavender woke up the next morning, she realized that what had happened the previous day had been no dream.

"Alright!" Lavender jumped out of bed, "You have a big day today, Lav. Friends to make, a rival to battle and magic to learn!" She pulled on her school uniform, playing with her hair a little, trying to make it look cute.

"_Other girls will never have what you've got to offer,_

_Strut your stuff and work it off, show 'em that you're better,_

_You're the one the guys call their Honey,_

_Come on baby girl, show 'em, show'em what you've got._

_Say you love me,_

_Say you love me!_

_But don't you ever break my heart._

_Intoxicate me with your own ecstasy,_

_It will never tear us apart!_

_Oh no no, no no no, no no no baby take it easy,_

_Honey Flash!"_

Lavender looked over to see Hermione Granger looking at her with a frown.

Hehe. Granger never did like it when she talked about boys or sex or anything too 'girly.'

And of course, Lavender had gone out of her way to talk about those things exactly whenever she was around, just to push her buttons.

"_Showing off your curves like a star, looking groovy,_

_Styling even hotter than the chicks in the movies._

_You're the one guys call their Honey._

_Come on baby girl, show 'em show 'em what you've got."_

She finished tying a red bow in her blond hair, then skipped passed Hermione and down towards the common room.

She had one little stop she wanted to go to before going down to breakfast.

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The library!

Lavender enjoyed her manga and she enjoyed her fantasy novels. But she wasn't too big of a fan of non-fiction.

But this was important!  
She needed to come up with a way to make Harry and herself stronger for when Voldemort next struck. And he would strike.

Quirrell was currently possessed. She remembered that much. At least, that's what the rumors had said about her first year…

She took out some books on defense against the dark arts.

Lavender's best subject had been charms back when she'd been attending school. She hadn't excelled at defense, but Harry had, and the best way to make him stronger was to play to his strengths.

She already had seven years' worth of magical knowledge. She was ahead already, which meant she was in the perfect position to push Harry just enough.

She put most of her books back up by her bed, then took one of them down to read over breakfast.

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Classes were boring.

Well, of course they were, Lavender thought. She'd been through all this before.

It wasn't until their second week that they started moving onto practical application.  
Thunk!  
Harry gave a small jump when Lavender plunked her books down beside him.

Lavender grinned,

"This will be our first practical lesson, which means it's our first time working as rivals."  
"Huh?" Harry wondered.

"What's your problem anyways?" Ron shot Lavender a weirded-out look.

"I need someone who will push me to be better than anyone else." Lavender met Harry's eyes, "I can tell Harry is a powerful wizard. That means, he's most suited to being my rival. I'd think he'd be all for the idea, really. Becoming known for something he accomplished entirely through his own merits."  
Harry looked surprised.

Lavender shrugged her shoulders,

"But, if you want to continue being known as the boy who got famous because his mother cast an ancient magic on him that saved his life before she was murdered, then be my guest."  
Ron looked enraged,

"What is your problem!? Don't you think that's going too far?"

"How so?" Lavender challenged him, "As far as I'm concerned, Harry's done nothing of note yet. He's just a normal person. A normal person with a lot of power, and he's not stupid either, so I acknowledge him as my rival." She crossed her arms, looking at Harry, "Are you going to challenge me, or are you just going to be some steppingstone towards my goals? If I'm wasting my time, tell me and I'll toss you aside right now."  
"I…" Harry looked dizzy for whatever reason, "I…what do you want me to do exactly?"

"For starters, transfigure your needle before I do." Lavender told him, "This is a good class to have a little contest. My ultimate goal this year is to become the youngest person to cast a patronus."  
"What's a patronus?" Harry asked her curiously.

Ha! She'd gotten under his skin. He was starting to think of her seriously.

But she needed to keep up the momentum.

"One of the most difficult and complex charms known to the magical world." Lavender smirked, "It's a charm that summons a spirit animal that protects the one who cast it. It's also the only known defense against dementors." Her smirk fell, "I suggest learning it before your third year."  
"Why?" Harry asked her slowly sensing the change in mood.

"Call it a hunch." Lavender looked away; brow furrowed in a way that suggested it would be bad if Harry didn't have the charm down by then.

She then smiled,

"Let's just focus on transfiguration for this class."  
McGonagall came in and started to explain how they'd be changing matchsticks into needles. She passed around the matchsticks.

Lavender kept her eye on Harry's work. His match hardly changed within the first minute.

"Stop a moment." Lavender told him.

Harry stopped and Lavender took his hand. She did the correct wand movement, guiding his hand and arm through the proper motions.

Harry was surprised.

"Now, before you cast it, visualize what the needle should look like. Not just that, visualize what it would feel like between your fingers." She let go of his hand, "Try now."  
Harry gave her a cautious look, then did as Lavender suggested. He gave it a go.

The matchstick then changed completely into a needle. Harry's eyes widened with surprise.

McGonagall saw what he'd done and approached their desk.

"No fair. On your first try?" Lavender pouted.

"Ten points to Gryffindor, Mister Potter." McGonagall gave him a rare smile, "I've never seen a student get this spell so quickly in all my years. Good job."

Harry was stunned.  
He'd done it?

Lavender tried the spell on her matchstick, deciding to get it nearly there, but with a red tip at the end.

She gave a small, fake huff, pretending to be frustrated.

"Very impressive, Miss Brown." McGonagall observed her needle, "I have no doubt you'll get it in the next attempt. Take five points to Gryffindor."

"I'll get it." Lavender said confidently, then tried the spell again. This time, she got the perfect transfigured needle.

"Very well done." McGonagall agreed, she then paused, looking over at Harry, "It seems you've inherited your father's talent."

Harry was surprised yet again as he watched McGonagall leave.

"I'm going to beat you next time." Lavender told Harry, "You only got it because of my instructions. Next practical class is charms."  
"Uh, right." Harry said, still a little bewildered that he'd managed to get the spell at all.

Hermione Granger gave a small huff from where she was sitting.

Hm? Had she pissed her off again? Lavender felt a cat-like grin make its way onto her face.

"All transfigurations are like that." Lavender told Harry, "Since you got it first, I'll share my secret technique with you. They've all got similar wand movements. The larger or complex the object is, the more complicated the wand movement will be. The key is visualizing it. Focus not just on what an object looks like, but what it feels like too. Mum said she sometimes focuses on what an object tastes like. Weird, right? But adding in that extra sense, like smell, touch or taste makes it easier somehow."

"I see…" Harry trailed off, surprised she was sharing that with him.

"Charms are different though, and I'll have you know that that's my best subject, so just because you beat me once, don't think you'll beat me next time." Lavender warned him with a mischievous smile painting her face.

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In Charms class, they started working on the lumos charm. Lavender decided, in order to keep Harry competitive, she'd get the spell first.

With charms, visualization wasn't required. Rather, control was far more important. Depending on how much magic you put into the spell, you'd get some different results.

"Lumos!" Lavender cast the spell, getting it her first time.

"Good job, Miss Brown!" Flitwick congratulated her, "Very good job indeed, take ten points to Gryffindor."  
"Thank you, sir." Lavender beamed, then looked over at Harry who was close to getting the charm on his own.

She'd stay out of it for now. He seemed sufficiently motivated enough.

He managed it on his third attempt, just as Hermione managed to get the charm, as it happened.

They both earned Gryffindor five points each.

…

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Harry spent some time in the library after school. He hadn't forgotten about Lavender's declaration of wanting to learn the patronus charm.

"You let her get under your skin, didn't you?" Ron huffed, closing another book that seemed rather useless in terms of what they were looking for.

"Well…it's not just that." Harry admitted.

"Then what is it?" Ron looked up at his friend questioningly.

"She's right." Harry said, "I don't want to be known for my parents' murder. Being the youngest to cast the patronus charm seems kind of cool." He paused, thinking once more on what Lavender had said, "She was helping me, I think. I wonder what will happen in third year."  
"You're thinking too much into it. I just think she's insane."  
Harry didn't think so. Lavender was a bit…wild. But she didn't seem crazy. Or at least, not any crazier than wizards and witches normally were.

There were some moving photographs of the Patronus being cast.

Harry copied the wand movement. He tried saying the incantation…but got nothing.

He needed to come up with a happy memory to go along with it all.

He might need some help…

From behind one of the bookshelves, Lavender smiled.

Time to give Harry another push.

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Lavender sat down in her first potions class at the center right table. She set up her equipment, wiping down her cauldron, knives and stirrer before starting.

Harry saw what she was doing and copied her.

He'd read ahead for this particular class. Lavender seemed to be working ahead a little, and he knew now that what she was doing was making sure there wasn't any residue that her equipment had picked up while they'd been stored away.

Potions were sensitive things, so it always paid to be careful.

Snape was a generally unpleasant person, in Lavender's opinion.

Her eyes traveled over to Harry the moment the potions master walked into the room, silencing all the students with his presence.

It wasn't fair the way he treated him.

Sure, Harry had forgiven him in the end because…apparently, he'd been in love with Harry's mother?

Ugh. Whatever. The relationship seemed pretty messed up to her and there was no way she was going to let anyone hurt him when he already had a lot going on already!

"You are here to learn the subtle science and exact art of potion-making. As there is little foolish wand-waving here, many of you will hardly believe this is magic. I don't expect you will really understand the beauty of the softly simmering cauldron with its shimmering fumes, the delicate power of liquids that creep through human veins, bewitching the mind, ensnaring the senses... I can teach you how to bottle fame, brew glory, even put a stopper in death — if you aren't as big a bunch of dunderheads as I usually have to teach."

Well, best way to do that was to draw all Snape's attention away from Harry and onto something else…or someone else.

Lavender started muttering under her breath, waiting for the moment Snape made his move against Harry.

"Potter! What would I get if I added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of woodworm?" Snape called out."

"Um…" Harry wracked his brain trying to come up with an answer.

He'd read about that, right?  
"The…Draught of Living Death?"

He wasn't sure if he was right or not…

Snape frowned,

"Where would I find a bezoar?"

Harry actually did know this one,

"The stomach of a goat." He said quickly.

Snape did not look pleased,

"Ten points from –"

"I've got it! You're actually Satan!" Lavender stood up, pointing at Snape.

A pin could have dropped.

Harry looked over at Lavender with surprise. Everyone was staring at her.

Ha! She'd gotten a reaction from Snape! He was always bitter, but his face was nearly always blank and that dumbstruck expression was priceless!

"Fifty points from Gryffindor for your outburst!" Snape hissed at her.

Lavender narrowed her eyes in suspicion at the man, then sat down at her desk.

She'd successfully broken the rhythm of the class.

"You will be working on a boil cure today. Follow the recipe on the board." He narrowed his eyes at all of them, especially Lavender.

She didn't mind all that much. Even if she lost a hundred points this class, so long as his attention had been moved away from Harry, that was fine.

Even if the other Gryffindors hated her from the loss of points, she was more mature (sort of). She could handle it.

Wait. Wasn't this the class where…

She saw Neville about to add his porcupine quills and jumped over her desk.

"One hundred percent maximum no chill!"

"Ooff!" Neville was tossed out of the way as Lavender kicked him, about three feet away from where she landed.

She tried not to scream as the boiling liquid fell on her.

Snape's eyes widened ever so slightly.

That girl…she'd known what sort of reaction those porcupine quills would have on that potion…

"Another ten points from Gryffindor for causing a scene!" he hissed at them.

Neville looked at Lavender with wide eyes. He was shaken.

"Ouch! H-hurts a lot." Lavender grimaced.

She walked around her desk, when Snape didn't tell her to go to the hospital wing. She continued cutting up her potions ingredients.

Snape stared at her silently as she worked.  
She was more skilled than the other first years…even with the, surely painful burns, she worked faster than them too.

Sweat fell down Lavender's face as she tried not to think about the pain.

She bottled up the potion, using her left hand, as her right arm was completely useless right now.

She placed the bottle on Snape's desk, then returned to her station.

Harry completed his potion as well, relieved that it appeared to be the right color. He bottled it up and placed it on Snape's desk as well, though he took longer.

...

When classes were over, Lavender made her way to the hospital wing where Madam Pomfrey healed up her burns.

Alright…potions might be a problem. But thankfully, it wouldn't be too bad in the future. Probably.

"Um…"

Lavender looked up to see Neville walk into the hospital wing, his face a little red.

"T-thank you for earlier. You saved me…"  
"No problem." Lavender beamed at him with an easy smile, "It didn't hurt too much. It was annoying though."

Madam Pomfrey sent her a disbelieving look, but Lavender ignored it.

"Anyways, I suggest reading through the minor healing paste potion before next class. We'll be working on that next time. At least, I suspect we will."

Neville nodded,

"I…really, thank you." He said.

"No problem, Neville." Lavender paused, "Come to think of it, I don't know we were ever introduced. I'm Lavender. Lavender Brown."  
"I know." Neville smiled a bit, "I'm Neville. Neville Longbottom."

"Nice to meet you." Lavender said genuinely.

She moved her arm around. Her burns seemed to all be gone now.

"All better. It took hardly a minute." She beamed at Neville.

No need to make the little firsty Neville scared.

"Now. I must go to the library. There's something I need to look into." She jumped up off her bed and walked right past him.

"See you later, Nev." She said as she walked out the door.

"Right…see you." Neville said hesitantly.


	3. Patronus Troubles

**I still don't own Harry Potter, or any of the Fate series. I've decided though, if I can't find that fic about Lavender Brown being an otaku, I'd write a few of my own.**

**Please check out the Fate abridged series on Youtube. Oh, and support the original works!**

Lavender could remember rumors of the Half-Blood Prince's book being stored away in the potions classroom.

Later that night, she cast a disillusionment charm on herself and made her way down to the potions classroom.

She opened up the cupboard and started looking through the extra textbooks. She smirked when she found what she was looking for.

Time to retreat.

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It took Lavender nearly a week to copy all the notes in the book.

During that time they had their very first flying lesson.

Lavender had been thinking about whether or not she should allow the events of last time to unfold as they had, or if she ought to change things up a little.

She decided to change things.

She couldn't stop Neville from falling off his broom, but she could secretly cast a cushioning charm on the ground below him without anyone noticing.

She couldn't stop him from passing out, but she could prevent his broken wrist that way.

She couldn't prevent the Remembrall he'd received from his gran to roll away, but she could accio the orb out of Malfoy's hands and kick him in the side for trying to goad her rival into a competition that didn't involve her.

One of the reasons that Harry had not been as popular had been due to people believing the other professors favoured him. Having him flying about in his first year was not doing him a favour.

Harry could wait until next year's tryouts. That would be fine.

Besides, what if things had gone slightly different? What if something was just a bit off and Harry managed to crack his head open during that dive?

She couldn't risk it.

At the end of that week, Lavender finished copying down the Half Blood Prince's notes along with each recipe and section they pertained to.

She returned the book that weekend while Snape was out.

She then started working on how the notes might help with some of the first-year potions and tried them out in her classes.

It paid off.

A lot.

She wrote down notes in her book, mentally noting how Snape was watching her.

But, this meant Harry was falling a little behind her in potions. Enough that it was starting to frustrate him.

Alright, time to do the old switcheroo.

"Hey." Lavender said during the last Thursday of the month. It was slowly moving on to October, which meant Lavender had to prepare for an all new crisis.

"Hey." Harry said, surprised she had decided to sit down with her.

"I have something for you." She told him, "Let's switch textbooks."  
"Huh?" Harry wondered.

"I've been using my mum's old notes to help with potions class and it occurs to me, you don't have that sort of luxury."

Lavender beamed at him,

"You know, 'cause your parents died."  
"You really suck." Harry fumed.

"I know." Lavender agreed, passing him her textbook, "Now you have a cheat too. This should be a fair competition, after all. I copied down everything she had into that textbook, so, I'll give you mine, you give me yours."  
Harry paused, opening the textbook and noting the neat handwriting along the recipes. His eyebrows rose.

"I…really don't understand you at all. Why me? You already said you know it wasn't me who defeated you-know-who…"  
"Just call him Voldemort." Lavender waved him away, "It's weird hearing you call him you-know-who."  
It almost made her think something was very wrong with the universe.

"Er…okay. But really." Harry met her eyes, "Why?"

Lavender paused, she smiled thinly, then popped up out of her seat. She paced in front of their table in thought.

"I know how I'm going to die."  
"Huh?" Harry's eyes widened.

"It's true." Lavender spun to look at him again, a small smile on her face. But it was a sad smile. One she'd never worn before. Not even in her previous life.

"In six years time, at the end of my seventh year, a man is going to murder me. His name is Fenrir Greyback. I don't know who he is, or why he wants to kill me. All I know is that it will happen and I'll die without having accomplished anything. Without having gone on any adventures, without having tried my very best at anything really." She put her hands on the table, leaning towards him, "In that vision of mine, someone tries to murder you too. I don't know if they succeed or not. But when that day comes, I'm not going to let him kill me. When that day comes, I decided that I'd make sure you were completely ready too. That's why you're my rival. Got it?"

Harry's eyes widened.

He was…stunned.

Somehow, he hadn't thought she'd tell him something like that. He'd believed that her reasons had been childish and silly. That it had all been some…silly competition.

"So…I guess you're probably not ready to know all that." Lavender admitted, "But I want you to know, I'm being genuine. I'm not doing this out of a sense of pity, or…because I'm just afraid for your life. I'm doing this because I want to make us both stronger so…I'm going to become the youngest person to master the Patronus charm."

"Not if I master it first." The words escaped Harry's lips before he even realized it.

Lavender felt her lips twitch upwards a little,

"Is that so? Well, I'm going to go ask Professor McGonagall if she'll help teach me the spell. I'll tell her that Harry Potter went to Professor Flitwick. We'll see who manages it first."

"I managed to get a mist." Harry said.  
"Seriously?" Lavender was impressed.

She could get a mist, but it wasn't that impressive, and she was a seventh year! On the inside.

Damn…Harry really was scary talented.

Lavender though…she was just normal. But she could only work hard to try to make up for it.

"Me too." Lavender told him, "Here I thought I had managed to get ahead again."  
"I'll go to Professor Flitwick." Harry decided, "And…I'll tell him I need help winning against my rival who went to McGonagall for help. Thanks for the book, Lavender."  
"No problem." Lavender agreed.

They put their things away, then went their separate ways.

….

0000

…..

"I'm sorry, the patronus charm?" McGonagall looked at Lavender skeptically, "You and Mister Potter have a competition to see who the youngest person to learn the charm will be?"  
"Yes, ma'am." Lavender nodded her head seriously, "I really want to learn. I heard you could cast the charm. Would you please teach me how to get a corporeal patronus before Harry does?"

McGonagall let out a sigh.

Lavender Brown and Harry Potter were perhaps the two most talented students in her class, but the patronus…

"The patronus charm shouldn't be taken lightly, Miss Brown." She told her, "And I'm far too busy as it is with my own duties. Even most aurors can't cast the spell. Full grown wizards who deal with such magical beings."

"Then…could you at least tell me what I'm doing wrong?" She asked her.

McGonagall frowned,

"I suppose…"

Lavender took out her wand. She did the wand movement and spoke the incantation.

"Expecto Patronum." A glowing mist came out of her wand.

McGonagall's eyebrows rose to meet her hairline.

"A patronus…You managed it already?" She breathed.

"I can only do the mist though. And Harry managed the same. Neither of us can advance." Lavender tried to fight down a mischievous grin, "Harry said it was more logical to go to Professor Flitwick for help because he's the charms professor and the patronus is a charm, plus he's familiar with defensive magics because he was a dueler. I said it would be best to go to you, since you are familiar with defensive magics, having fought in the war, and you know a wider range of magic than just transfiguration." Lavender looked away, "But…if you don't think you can beat Professor Flitwick…"  
McGonagall raised an eyebrow at the girl's not so subtle manipulations.

But then again, a friendly competition might not be so terrible. Both Harry Potter and Lavender Brown were very talented students. Their…rivalry was the talk of many of the professors.

"Very well, Miss Brown." She decided, "I suppose a friendly competition wouldn't hurt. Now, the thing about the patronus charm is that it is far more similar to transfiguration than it is to charms."  
"How so?" Lavender asked her curiously.

"Because, like charms it does involve control of the flow of magic, however, like transfiguration, one must focus not just on the happy memory one uses, but one must picture it vividly."

Lavender's eyes widened,

"Like how you picture the feel of the needle instead of just the image!" Lavender realized.

"Take five points to Gryffindor." McGonagall smiled a bit at the girl's revelation, "Now, try just thinking about your happiest memory for now, but not just the image of that memory. The smells involved, the sensations outside of vision."  
Lavender closed her eyes. She was thinking about the day she'd gotten her Hogwarts letter.

"Expecto Patronum."

….

000000

…

Lavender was hoping to achieve more than just the patronus charm from this little competition she'd started with Harry.

First of all, she wanted Harry to form an actual relationship with an adult. She knew Harry hadn't had the best sort of childhood. It didn't take a detective to notice the rags he wore, or how he avoided talking about his homelife.

Lavender had wondered if it went beyond just being neglected. But she hadn't done anything the first time. She couldn't explain why she hadn't done anything. Maybe part of her had thought the adults would handle it. Maybe she'd thought it was because Harry wasn't like the other kids…But that was a bad mentality.

Suddenly being sent back in time to when Harry was eleven…seeing him all small and skinny and miserable he'd been and realizing he very well could die…she just couldn't let that all happen.

She was going to fight with all her might this time. She'd pour her all into protecting Harry and making sure he was strong enough to survive so that, even if she did fail, and even if they did both die, she could at least say she'd done her best without any regrets.

Harry was going to need an ally who was actually of age.

She didn't know the full details of Harry's adventures, but she did know he had trust issues. Flitwick was a likeable person. She was hoping that maybe he'd get Harry to open up.

Even though Harry might not be able to perform the patronus in front of a real dementor yet, knowing the charm and being able to perform it wouldn't hurt.

Then, in third year they could deal with the danger a little more prepared.

Lavender knew in third year Sirius Black had escaped. Ron's rat had been an animagus…That's what he'd said anyways.

Could the two of them be connected?

If only Harry had been a little more open…

Lavender had prided herself in knowing exactly what was going on around her. She knew every piece of gossip in the school and she paid close attention, especially when it started becoming evident that Voldemort might be back.

Her ability to pick up on what rumors were very possibly true and which were likely false was something she prided herself on.

When she'd heard that Harry, Hermione and Ron had confronted a troll on Halloween, she'd believed it.

Which meant she'd have to be extra careful on Halloween.

As Halloween drew closer, Lavender could see the shape of…something in the mist of her patronus. She was so close to having a fully corporeal.

"Give it a few more tries." McGonagall encouraged.

Lavender closed her eyes.

She was going to become the youngest person to learn how to cast a patronus and…when she succeeded, she was going to rub it in Harry Potter's face.

"Expecto Patronum!"  
Lavender lit up when the mist formed into an animal. An animal!

"A bat patronus." McGonagall nodded in admiration, "Take fifty points to Gryffindor for mastering the patronus charm."

"Thank you so much!" Lavender was jumping up and down as her patronus flew around her. Her eyes were alight with excitement.

"I can cast a patronus! The youngest person to cast a patronus! And more importantly…I beat Harry." She looked over at McGonagall, "I must tell him this now!"

She ran off before McGonagall could say anything more.

She had genuinely won a contest against Harry this time.

Huh. She actually felt kind of good about it.

Well, better than she had with the other competitions anyways. She moved down towards the charms classroom only to run into…Harry.

"Lavender?" Harry wondered, then quickly grinned, "I did it! I cast a patronus."  
"No way. I just cast a patronus!" Lavender gapped.

Did that mean…

"It's a tie." Lavender let out a sigh.

Her feelings of excitement suddenly gone and replaced by mild disappointment.

She suddenly perked up.

"I bet my patronus is cooler." She decided.

"What? We're comparing now?" Harry wondered, "And mine is definitely cooler."  
"Wanna put your magic where your mouth is?" Lavender narrowed her eyes at him.

"I don't think that's a saying, but yeah. Let's."

They both took out their wands, then incanted the spell together.

"Expecto Patronum!"

Lavender was startled when, instead of a stag leaping from Harry's wand all majestic like, came a bat instead.

McGonagall came walking down the hall. Her eyes widened slightly at what she saw.

Matching bat patronuses.

Flitwick came from the opposite side from his own classroom, just as startled as McGonagall.

Both Harry and Lavender looked up at their animals.

Harry looked back down at Lavender,

"What are the odds they'd be the same?"

Lavender nodded absently, wondering what that could mean.

Harry's patronus had been a stag originally.

It changed…Had she done that?


	4. Lavender vs Troll

**One more Chapter before I have to run to catch the train!  
I do not own Harry Potter, or any of the Fate series, or Fate the Abridged. Wish I did.**

**If there are any issues basing this off of the Unlimited Bladeworks parody, I'll take it down immediately. Just want to say that I really love the abridged series and it really made me laugh. I just wanted to spread it around a little bit for people to enjoy (I used a lot of the one-liners they used in this).**

"Wingardium Leviosa!"

Lavender looked up and pouted,

"No fair! I haven't even gotten my wand out yet!"

"You snooze you lose."

When had Potter gotten so cocky?

"Wingardium Leviosa!' Lavender incanted, making the feather rise up to meet Harry's.

She decided to make it rise higher than his. Harry frowned, then pushed the feather up higher than hers with his magic.

It took focus, controlling a feather like that. Though, Lavender supposed she certainly had an edge, this sort of training could only help Harry in the long run.

She pushed the feather up again. Harry made it rise once more.

"Five points to each of you." Flitwick said jovially as he noticed how they'd managed to make their feathers rise.  
He watched as the two of them seemed to compete over who could get their feather the highest.

Hermione looked at the two of them with frustration in her eyes. Ron…was looking smug for some reason and Lavender didn't understand why. It wasn't like he had done anything yet.

"Wingardium Leviosa." Hermione cast the spell.

It was too bad that students weren't awarded for being the third to cast a spell.

Normally in classes it was a three-way battle towards who would cast the spell first. Between Harry, Lavender and Hermione. Then it was only a battle between Harry and Lavender afterword to see who would go the extra distance as they tried to one up each other.

Case and point, Harry's and Lavender's feathers now looked like they were stuck to the ceiling.

….

00000000

….

"Merlin, she's annoying!" Ron said to Harry once classes were finished.

"Who is?" Harry wondered.

"Granger." Ron grunted, "All throughout class she was like 'it's leviosa not leviosaw.' Ugh! I can't stand her. And she acts like such a know it all even though she hadn't even cast the spell yet either. Then she wonders why she doesn't have any friends."  
Hermione pushed past Ron, tears in her eyes from the verbal lashing.

Harry winced,

"I think she heard you."

Ron let out a groan.

He hadn't thought she'd overhear him. He hadn't been trying to hurt her or anything. He'd just been frustrated…

Fuck, Lavender thought. Was that why the three of them had disappeared during the Halloween feast?

She'd originally heard that Granger had been seeking out the troll herself, but Lavender had always doubted that. It was far too out of character for her.

Well, there was only one thing to do in this sort of situation.

Later, after being informed of a troll being released inside the castle, Ron and Harry went running in search of Hermione who still hadn't returned.

Harry's eyes widened and he pulled Ron back, hiding them both behind a corner.

The smell is what hit them first. The smell and the sound of heavy footsteps and…something dragging.

Then they saw it.

An eleven-foot blob of grey flesh pulling a wooden club behind it.

"ONE HUNDRED PERCENT MAXIMUM NO CHILL!"

BOOM!

The troll was all too suddenly engulfed in an explosion of fire and smoke.

"What the bloody hell!?" Ron coughed, trying to wave away the smoke from his mouth and nose.

When it cleared, the troll let out an angry roar. Half its skin had been burned off!

"Lavender?" Harry gapped at the girl who had come running down the hall.

Hermione came running out of the washroom, eyes wide as she saw the troll and the three other kids.

Lavender cast the freezing charm on the floor, then used a tripping charm to pull the troll down. The tripping charm wasn't very affective, especially with the troll's magical resistant hide. But, since its skin was damaged, the jinx was affective enough to catch it off balance on an icy floor and fall.

As it was falling, Lavender cast a levitation charm on the club.

Hadn't that been how Ron had done it?

"Wingardium Leviosa!" She brought the club down on its head as hard as she could.

She heard a sickening 'crack!'

Oops. Had she killed it?

No. It was still breathing.

Lavender let out a small breath of relief, then lit up.

"It worked!" She looked over at Harry, "Ha! You may have defeated a Dark Lord, but I beat up a troll!"  
Harry was looking at her in confusion.

Ron shook his head, eyes wide,

"Barmy. Completely barmy." He murmured.

The sound of many footsteps coming towards them revealed the group of teachers racing down the hall.

Dumbledore was far spryer than Lavender had originally given him credit for.

"What in the world happened here?" McGonagall's eyes wondered to the unconscious, bloodied troll, then to the three kids.

"Granger was in the bathroom because she was upset. Ron and Harry went to go get her when they heard about the troll, then I went after them because, well, if Harry died then who would be my rival?"

"I…see." McGonagall looked down at the troll.

Dumbledore was looking down at Lavender with amusement,

"In that case, I suppose fifteen points to you, Mister Weasley, Mister Potter, Miss Brown for outstanding bravery in the face of danger."  
"But…" Harry began, "It was Lavender who defeated it. Ron and I hardly did anything. We were just looking for Hermione…"  
"Indeed?" Dumbledore asked Lavender curiously, "How may I ask did you do it, Miss Brown?"

"Well," Lavender began, then let out a sigh, "You see, headmaster, a long time ago when I was training in China to become the strongest martial artist alive, my father took us to a cursed training ground called Jusenkyou. We didn't know the springs there were all cursed. Whoever falls into the springs will be cursed to take the form of whoever died there. I accidentally fell into the spring of drowned badass."

"Ten points from Gryffindor for such filthy language!" Snape snapped at Lavender.

Eh. Worth it, Lavender figured.

Dumbledore's eyes twinkled with amusement, however.

"And how did you defeat the troll?"

"I used potion bombs." Lavender pulled out several vials of potions from inside her robes.

Snape paled,

"Do you realize how volatile that potion is!?" He hissed.

"I do. Just a little bit of oxygen and it goes 'boom!'" Lavender nodded, "I noticed Seamus was really good at making things explode so I had him teach me his secrets."

"Twenty points from Gryffindor!" Snape roared, "You'll blow us all up, you stupid child!"

He snatched the potions away from her.

Lavender pouted,

"Just like actually Satan to ruin my fun."

"Satan?" Flitwick repeated, looking over at the potions master with a raised eyebrow.

Lavender looked down at Snape's leg.

"Huh. That looks like a dog bite."  
Snape's eyes blazed with anger and he quickly hid the wound with his robes.

"Too big for a dog. But it's a dog…a Cerberus bite?" Lavender's eyes widened, "There really is a Cerberus in the underworld, isn't there?"  
Snape rubbed the bridge of his nose.

Ron and Harry exchanged a secretive look.

Had they seen the Cerberus yet? Lavender wondered.

"I'm not the devil, Brown."

"Well, where else would you have come across a Cerberus then?" Lavender smiled smugly, "Check and mate, Professor Lucifer."

Snape sent her a glare,

"I have no time for these childish games." He looked at Dumbledore, still fuming, "I shall be returning to my quarters to work on a potion for now."  
Before Dumbledore could answer him, he turned around in a flourish of robes.

"Huh." Lavender said once he was out of earshot, "I guess my logic is infallible enough that he wasn't even able to take off points. And he still insists he isn't actually Satan? Filthy liar." She shook her head as though the whole thing were far too obvious for words.

"Right…" Ron trailed off, then muttered something under his breath.

Harry, of course, didn't believe for a second that Professor Snape was actually Satan.

"Wouldn't you be…you know, concerned if our potions professor really was the devil?" he asked his friend, er, rival.

Lavender raised an eyebrow.

A good question, Harry.

He was growing up so fast. She actually felt a bit teary!

"Am I concerned that our potions master is _so_ clever that the majority of mankind blames him for their shortcomings? Not particularly, no." She shrugged her shoulders, "I am a little concerned about the fact that we're standing around an unconscious troll that could awaken at any second and smash our brains in."  
Hermione, Harry and Ron all paled.

"I'll just be leaving while the professors handle that. Wouldn't want to be in the way. You can come with me if you want. Or not." Lavender walked past them calmly.

The three kids paled, then scrambled after her as she left.

…..

00000000000000000

…..

"Can't believe she beat up a troll…" Ron murmured the next morning.

"Yeah." Harry agreed, "She made it look so effortless too." He paused, suddenly feeling worried, "Am I really a worthy rival?"

Ron shot Harry a blank look,

"You mean…you really take all that stuff she says seriously?"

…

000000000000000

…

Parvati let out a sigh as she was exiting the potions room. Lavender had tried to save her from getting into trouble with Professor Lucifer, er, Snape, but somehow, she'd gotten into trouble anyways.

Suddenly, someone came careening down the staircase to the dungeons at top speed.

"Oh! Sorry!"

Parvati was knocked down, the parchment in her arms went everywhere.

"Are you okay?" Lavender Brown asked her with concern.

"Sure." Parvati said, feeling annoyed, "Just…spilling my parchment everywhere. 'Cause that's what I like doing." She added a sweet smile to her face at the end.

"Cool." Lavender said.

For whatever reason, Lavender was the only person at school completely immune to Parvati's passive aggressiveness.

She was also very insistent that they were best friends.

Well, that was fine, Parvati figured. It wasn't like anyone else wanted to hang around her anyways.

"Hey, do you know if actually Satan is alone right now?"

"Not a 'how are you doing, Parvati?' or 'how was your day?' we're just going to go straight into asking questions about someone else? Okay. He's alone last I checked, and I was just in detention with him a moment ago."  
"Thanks, Parvati. You're the best!" Lavender grinned at her friend, then rushed off down the hall again at top speed.

"You'll get in trouble for running – and you're already gone…" Parvati shrugged it off and continued on her way back up to the Gryffindor dorms.


	5. Deal With the Devil

**Hey, so I've been writing a lot of Lavender Brown stories, I don't know why…But if you like this one, maybe check out Magical Girl Animetopoeia. It's about Lavender Brown traveling to different worlds and becoming a magical girl in the hopes of changing her bad fate.**

**Alright, enough about my other stories.**

**Declaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or Fate Abridged, or any of the Fate series**

…**..**

"Actually Satan?" Lavender knocked on the door.

No reply.

He couldn't have left right? His classroom was at the end of the hall and Parvati had just been in the classroom for her detention so…

"Actually Satan?" She knocked again, "Actually Satan?"  
She opened up the door.

Snape looked up from his desk appearing quite annoyed.

"Oh, you must not have heard me over the sound of your quill or something." Lavender feigned obliviousness.

"What do you want, Brown?" Snape decided it was best to just get this all over with so he could get the annoying child out of his hair.

Lavender drew in a deep breath,

"I am here to make a deal with the devil."  
Snape raised an eyebrow.

"Please teach me dueling!"

"No."  
"Poo." Lavender pouted, "I can give you something in exchange."

"I doubt that."

Lavender thought about what she could give him in exchange.

Oh wait!

"Information!" Lavender beamed at him, "Tell Professor Dumbledore that there are seven horcruxes."

"Seven what?" Snape crinkled his nose in distaste.

"Well, he's wanted to know the answer for a while." Lavender said, "I'm quite sure the answer was seven. Tell him that and if you don't want to make a deal with me after then I'll never bother you again. I'll even stop calling you Lucifer and stop blowing your cover here at Hogwarts."

Snape raised an eyebrow,

"Done." He decided.

"Oh, and you have to say seven horcruxes specifically. Make sure Quirrell isn't nearby when you tell him that."  
Lavender beamed, then left the room, deciding it was about time to issue Harry another challenge.

…

000000000000000000000

…

"Hey, Parvati." Harry greeted the girl who was reading a magazine in the common room by the fireplace.  
"Hey Harry." The girl glanced up at him.  
"Er…you seen Lavender?"

"She went to see Professor Snape about something."  
"I, uh, see." Harry shifted awkwardly.

He didn't really know how to talk to Parvati, Lavender's friend.

"Lavender is…a bit strange. Is she like that with you too?"

"By strange you mean, proclaiming us best friends forever during our first meeting strange? Or writing contracts in blood strange?"  
"Er…has she written contracts in blood?"

Somehow, he could sort of imagine it.

"She said it was for the Dark Lord Lucifer…or something." Parvati turned one of the pages of her magazine, "Do you have a thing for her, Harry?"

"A thing?" Harry blinked, not quite knowing what that meant at first, then blushed when the realization hit, "Er, no! No…We're just…rivals…I guess."

"I just had a detention with Professor Snape. I'm fine of course, not that you asked."  
"Er, sorry." Harry said automatically.

The door to the common room opened up and Lavender came in looking quite smug.

"Harry Potter, I challenge you!" She pointed at Harry.

"Hi Lavender, it's nice to see you too." Parvati said in a monotone voice.

"Uh…to what?" Harry wanted to know.

Lavender smirked,

"We are going to have a duel! In three months. You'd better find a teacher willing to teach you dueling. Or I'll wipe the floor with you! I've recruited actually Satan to my cause. Do you have the devil on your side? I don't think so!"

"That seems unlikely." Parvati commented absently.

"Professor Snape agreed to teach you dueling?" Harry wondered.

Lavender stuck her nose in the air proudly,

"And I didn't even have to sell my mortal soul."

"That seems unlikely." Parvati commented again (but she was completely ignored).

…

000000000000000000000

….

"Hey… 'Mione?" Harry asked the next day as they were walking down towards history class.

"Yes, Harry?" Hermione asked.

She was walking along to Harry's right-hand side. Ron was on their left-hand side.

"I was wondering…you don't get along with Lavender and Parvati, right?"

"Not really." Hermione scrunched up her nose.

"Er…why not?" Harry asked her curiously, "I know Lavender can be a little loud and silly."  
"She's just too girly for me, Harry." Hermione said with a shrug.

"Girly?" Harry wondered.

Was Lavender girly? He'd never really thought of her in that way.

"Her and Parvati are always giggling over magazines and boys." Hermione rolled her eyes.

Harry thought on the conversations he'd had with Lavender and then he thought to Parvati.

"I've seen Parvati looking through a magazine once…"  
"She's all fashion obsessed." Hermione added in.

"But…she seemed really mature." Harry recalled, "And I can't really imagine Parvati giggling either. As for Lavender…she just looks like she finds everything fun…or something."

"Well, I see something different." Hermione murmured, "I'm different from them. I'm not interested in boys or make-up and I'm not interested in looking fashionable."

"Er…okay?" Harry hadn't brought any of that stuff up though…

…..

00000000000000000000000

…..

"Miss Brown?" Snape approached Lavender during supper in the Great Hall.

"Yes, actually Satan?" Lavender looked up at him with wide 'I didn't do anything, I'm innocent' eyes.

"Professor Dumbledore would like to see you. In his office."  
"Ah." Lavender had been expecting this, "Now? Or when I'm done my soup?"  
"Now, Brown." Snape sneered at her.

Lavender got up from her seat. She paused a moment, then picked up her bowl of soup and carried it with her.

It could be a long meeting and there was no reason to miss out on the rest of her meal, right?

She followed carefully behind him as they exited the Great Hall and moved into the hallway.

It was quite the commute between there and the Headmaster's office.

There were a lot of stairs. So many stairs. And with a bowl of hot soup that made it more trying than it already was.

Why couldn't they just put in an elevator already?

Lavender had never actually been in the Headmaster's office before. It was guarded by a gargoyle and in order to get past it, Snape had to offer up a password.

"Caffeinated Maple-Bacon Lollipops."

How obscure. Was that a real thing? She wondered as the Gargoyle jumped aside to reveal a hidden staircase lit by dim torchlight.

Ugh! _More _stairs?

They'd climbed seven sets already!

Lavender's eleven-year-old lungs were trying to keep up (and they say wizards are lazy, ha!).

When they reached the top of the stairs, a heavy, wooden door awaited them.

"Come in." The headmaster's voice drifted from inside.

Snape opened the door and the two of them walked inside.

"Miss Brown – is that soup?" Dumbledore regarded the girl curiously.

Snape looked over at her suddenly. He closed his eyes. He'd been doing his best to ignore her and hadn't actually looked back over at her as they'd been walking.

"Well, you did catch me in the middle of supper." Lavender told him, "May I sit? I feel like this is going to be one of those long conversations."  
"Of course." Dumbledore offered her the chair across from him.

Lavender took a seat, setting her soup down and quickly casting a warming charm.

She started slurping up her soup when it was done.

Yes…that was good soup.

"I should have brought some toast." She said absently.

"Miss Brown," Dumbledore began, "You gave Professor Snape some information about horcruxes. Could you tell me where you learned of such a thing?"

"Oh, that's easy." Lavender said, "Parvati told me."  
Dumbledore's eyebrows rose to meet his hairline.

"Miss Patil? And how does she know…"  
"She doesn't know, of course. Well, not yet." Lavender thought about this, "Parvati heard it from Hermione after they returned from hunting them. But that hasn't happened yet."  
"Start making sense, Brown." Snape snapped at her.

"I am making sense." Lavender huffed, "I have memories of the future. Or what might have been the future. An alternate future?" She frowned, "Some of that stuff has happened, but some of that stuff is different now. I only remember things up until I was murdered by Fenrir Greyback, so I can't say I know if we won…sorry."

Dumbledore was staring at her as she continued eating her split pea soup (it really was good soup).

"That's why Harry Potter is now my sworn rival." Lavender said after a pause, "So, I decided to write out a contract."  
She pulled out a long sheet of parchment from her robes and handed it over to Dumbledore.

He unrolled it and started reading it over.

"Ah. I believe this is intended for you, Severus." Dumbledore looked over at his potions master.

"What?" Snape wondered what could have Dumbledore, of all people looking so…baffled.

Snape's eyes narrowed at the parchment, his eyebrow twitched in annoyance.

"Was this written in blood, Brown?"

"Of course, it was." Lavender frowned, "Everyone knows that when you sign a contract with the devil you have to do it in blood."  
"I believe only the signature has to be in blood." Dumbledore offered.

"That's not the issue here, and I'm not the devil!" Snape hissed.

"Of course not." Lavender said placatingly, "That contract just assures that during our time learning dueling that you not condemn my soul into the fiery depths of hell, nor take my soul, eat it, or murder or harm me in any way. These conditions also apply to one Harry Potter and Padma Patil."

He was in his right to just tear the damn thing up. But then paused.

"Mimed to death? Do you perhaps mean 'maimed'?"

"I think you'll find I covered maiming as well." Lavender said seriously.

Snape drew in a deep breath,

"Let me get this straight." He looked back at the girl, "You think I'm Satan?"  
"Actually Satan." Lavender corrected, "The 'actually' is important, I think."  
"And you would give me, _Actually Satan_ knowledge of the future, regardless of what I, _Actually Satan_ might do with said knowledge?" Snape said puzzledly, "Why?"

"So I can beat my sworn rival, Harry Potter." Lavender said seriously.

Snape's eyebrow twitched again. He wasn't sure being around this girl was worth the knowledge or the edge they may get in the war.

"It says the training will last until the end of the year." He said slowly, "And then I may do what I wish with said knowledge? Regardless of whether or not it's within your best interest?"

"Totes." Lavender smirked.

"Severus?" Dumbledore looked at the man.

These were all good terms…considering.

Snape let out a growl, then picked up a quill.

"Wait!" Lavender stopped him, "You need to sign it as Severus Snape and as Satan. I don't want to take any chances."

Snape sent Dumbledore a look. The two men seemed to have a silent conversation.

Snape caved.

"Maybe the devil really should teach here. You two might get along."

It was unclear who this was intended for.

He signed the contract under both names and handed it over to Lavender Brown who really was looking quite proud of herself.

She cast the duo charm on the contract.

"Here's your copy." She handed it to Snape who took the copied parchment with some agitation.

Dumbledore cleared his throat,

"I believe the contract stipulates that you will answer some questions?"

"Yes. I can do that." Lavender agreed, "What do you want to know about? The animagus posing as a pet rat in the boys dorms who may or may not be a Death Eater? The horcruxes? The battle of Hogwarts? Remus Lupin's future wife?"

"Remus get's married?" Dumbledore's eyes twinkled with curiosity.

"We are not wasting questions on that werewolf!" Snape said angrily.

He'd already been forced to sign that ridiculous contract with Brown.

"Yes, of course. Perhaps another time." Dumbledore decided, "What was it you said about an animagus?"  
"Ah, yes." Lavender said, "I don't know the whole story there, I'm afraid. Ron brought this pet rat to school with him. Scabbers. He's actually a Death Eater in disguise. At least, I think he was. I only remember Ron and Harry getting really angry whenever it was brought up. I think it had something to do with Sirius Black." She frowned, "Yes…in a few years, after Sirius Black was murdered…The man had escaped Azkaban, see. He led the aurors on this big chase and dropped all these hints. He'd been innocent the entire time, apparently. The real perpetrator was some man called Pettigrew who had faked his death. I don't really know if the rat animagus is Pettigrew. I'm kind of guessing at it. I only know he's bad."

Dumbledore drew in a sharp breath, he looked over at Snape who had tensed up considerably.

"We will take care of it, Miss Brown." Dumbledore decided, "Severus." He looked at his potions master."

"I'll contact the aurors." Snape nodded, then moved over to the fireplace to floo the authorities.


	6. The Power of - I can not say it!

**Writing this story has given me a whole new respect for Lavender Brown. I hope those reading this feel the same way.**

**Warning: Some crude ****humour**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or Fate Abridged or any of the Fate series**

…**.**

Dumbledore and Snape didn't ask her further questions that evening, oddly enough. They just sent Lavender away while they dealt with the rat situation. The very next day was the first quidditch game of the season.

Lavender sat a few rows above Harry during the match. Harry had never seen a Quidditch match before and nothing seemed to stop him from wanting to see it. Not even begging, or slightly drug-laced doughnuts.

Wow…were seekers supposed to be that slow? Lavender wondered as she watched the Gryffindor seeker take a dive for the snitch.

Maybe she was just too used to Harry's insane antics…

All of a sudden, the bludger veered off course and headed towards the stands, right towards Harry Potter.

Harry jumped out of the way to the ground.

"I knew it!" Lavender took out a round device with a big red button on top.

She'd always wanted to press a big red button…It just seemed so perfectly dramatic.

Fwush!

Quirrell let out a blood curdling scream as fire came out of the bottom of his chair, launching him, and the chair upwards like a rocket.

Stunned silence ensued.

Then came Lee Jordin's voice over the intercom,

"It seems Professor Quirrell has decided to pursue his very new career as an astronaut. God speed, professor."  
McGonagall must have been too stunned to reprimand him.

…

0000000000000000

…..

The mystery of who had strapped a propulsion engine to the bottom of Quirrell's chair remained a mystery. It wasn't too long before it became apparent that the stuttering professor was being targeted.

"Hey, did you hear about Quirrell?" Dean asked Ron and Harry one day as they were making their way downstairs into the common room.

"You mean, how he was blasted off into space?" Ron grinned, "We saw it. Fred and George say they didn't do it, but they still got detention."  
"No, not that." Dean said, "I heard from a Hufflepuff that during their class, Quirrell's chair exploded and there was a distorted message that played. Some sort of recording."

Harry's face went blank.

It couldn't be…Right?

But…just to be sure…

"Was it someone yelling 'One Hundred Percent Maximum No chill' with the volume so loud, you got the impression that the spell recording it was strained in a manic fit of lunacy?"

Dean gave him a strange look,

"You already heard the story, then?"

"No…it was…just a lucky guess."

And now he knew who was targeting Quirrell.

….

0000000000000000000000000

…..

"What the frack is your problem!?" Harry shouted at Lavender when he finally managed to find a moment alone with her.  
"Please, Harry. Say 'fuck' not 'frack.' You sound like an eleven-year-old written in one of those stories for children with an author who wasn't imaginative enough to come up with an actual realistic alternative."

Harry blinked in confusion,

"Fine. What the fuck is your problem!? You've been trying to kill Quirrell!?"

"Of course, I am." Lavender crossed her arms over her chest, "He's the one that tried to kill you. Remember? With the bludger?"

Harry frowned,

"Snape was trying to kill me."  
Lavender snorted,

"You really think that actually Satan is dumb enough to try to kill you in front of all those people? Obviously, he's the first person everyone would suspect."

"Uh…" Harry tried to wrap his mind around that round about logic, "So…because it's obviously something he'd do, and because he's bad, it's not him?"  
"Obviously." Lavender agreed.

"You're insane." Harry realized.

"Rude." Lavender said, "Quirrell is after the philosopher's stone."  
"The…what?" Harry wondered.

"The thing hidden on the third-floor corridor." She elaborated quickly, "It's a magical artifact created by Dumbledore's mentor and friend, Nicolas Flamel. It's a magic stone that grants people immortality. Oh, and it can make an infinite amount of gold, but that's less important for this next part. You see, Quirrell is being possessed by Voldemort. Voldemort wants to be resurrected. A stone that can grant people immortality can resurrect him." She broke it all down, "Makes sense?"  
"I…maybe?" Harry still sounded doubtful, "But…why did you launch him into space? You didn't think that was overkill?"

Lavender shrugged,

"Seamus wanted to try something new."

….

000000000000000000000

…

It was later that day that Lavender entered Snape's potions classroom.

"Hello, actually Satan. Ask your questions and I shall answer and then we will begin our lesson."

Snape sneered.

Dumbledore had given him a list of questions to ask Brown. He lifted up the sheet of parchment.

"Very well…do you know where any of the horcruxes are located?" He asked her.

"Um…" Lavender trailed off, "I think one of them will possess a student next year, but that's all I know. Oh, and one of them is boobytrapped and will kill Dumbledore in a few years."  
Snape tensed a bit, then wrote down her answers.

"Question two…" His eyebrow twitched, "Will there be any improvements to lemon drops in the following years?"

Lavender thought about it. Certainly, candy was always evolving…

"I believe a new lemon chewy candy comes out that the headmaster starts to enjoy. Lemon Fruities, they're called. There aren't going to be any direct advancements on the lemon drop."  
Snape was glaring down at the parchment, as though willing it to catch fire.

"How about I just write the answers down?" Lavender suggested.

She kind of wanted to see what the questions were before Snape lost his temper and decided to tear the thing up.

She took his silence as a 'yes' and took the parchment from the desk.

She answered each question as best she could. When she was done, she handed it back to Snape who folded the parchment up and placed it in his desk drawer for the time being.

"In your contract you mentioned wanting to learn dueling and occlumency. Which would you like to start on first?"

"Let's do a mixture of both." Lavender decided, "I'm confident that I'm better than Harry in dueling right now, but I still need to improve before our official duel. Occlumency is also important. I mean, with Voldemort being in the school right now, it would be pretty bad if he read my mind and saw memories of the future, right?"

Snape paled considerably,

"The Dark Lord…is here?"

"Of course, he is." Lavender tilted her head to the side, "I wrote that down on the questionnaire you gave me."

Snape immediately opened up his desk and started reading through the questions and answers.

_**Who is the best Defense Against the Dark Arts professor you ever have?**_

_Hard to say. Kind of a tie between Professor Lupin and the Death Eater who kidnapped and impersonated Mad-Eye Moody._

_**Can you think of anything that might help in locating the horcruxes?**_

_Harry breaks into Gringotts bank and escapes on the back of a dragon, so probably in one of those vaults. I heard something about a Regulus Black, but I dunno._

_**Does Professor Snape ever get laid?**_

"It's none of his bloody business!" Snape steamed at the question, then saw the answer written below it in black ink.

_Well, there's a juicy rumor about him and Rosemerta, from the Three Broomsticks. I can kind of see it. She does have a 'Queen of Hell' vibe going for her._

_**Are there any immediate threats which I ought to be made aware of?**_

_Yes. Actually Satan is teaching at Hogwarts. Also, Voldemort is currently possessing Professor Quirrell. If you took off his turban, you'd see Voldemort's face on the back of his head. But wait until Christmas and the Weasley twins will pelt him with snowballs, it'll be hilarious! You know, if he doesn't try killing anyone first. He's also drinking the blood of unicorns during the night time._

_There's a giant basilisk in the Chamber of Secrets beneath the school but that shouldn't be released until next year._

_**Who does Remus Lupin marry?**_

_Nymphadora Tonks. They also have a baby together, Teddy Lupin. Word has it that Harry will be named the godfather. Don't tell him though, that's a secret!_

_**What is the Battle of Hogwarts?**_

_Voldemort and his army try to invade Hogwarts. Everyone fights to defend the school in an all-or-nothing battle._

Snape drew in a slow breath. He knew…he just knew this girl was going to be the death of him.

"Actually Satan? Actually Satan? You there?" Lavender asked him.

"Stop your incessant waving, Brown! We'll start with occlumency." He decided.

"Cool. Mind shields." She perked up.

"In laments terms, yes." Snape felt the vein on his forehead throb with irritation, "Clear your mind as best you can, then I shall attempt to invade it."  
"Clear my mind…" Lavender closed her eyes.

"You need to keep your eyes open." Snape's lips formed into a line.

"Oh, right." Lavender remembered hearing that if you broke contact, it was all over.

Like a staring contest.

Except, if she blinked, she won, and if Snape blinked…she also won?

"Clear your mind. Legilimency!"

Lavender felt a sting, memories flashed before her eyes. Getting her first wand at Ollivanders, watching Sailor Moon, a little bit of Cutie Honey.

"Boobies." Lavender chuckled a little, somehow becoming weirdly fixated on Cutie Honey's breasts.

The memories stopped flashing before Lavender's eyes.

"Brown! What are you doing?" Snape hissed at her, finally withdrawing, "I said clear your mind! And instead you decide to fixate on breasts."  
Lavender blinked,

"Did you get stuck?"

Snape did not look amused by the crude double entendre.

Lavender felt her lips turn upwards,

"Did you want to see more boobies?"  
"Are you taking this seriously?" Snape demanded.

"Of course, I am!" Lavender looked offended, "I wrote up a contract and everything. But, as soon as I started focusing on boobies…" her eyes widened, "That's it, isn't it? The key to occlumency. Focus on something you want to focus on so badly that your mind doesn't wander."  
"That…actually is the first step to clearing one's mind." Snape rubbed the bridge of his nose.

"Okay! For the win! Let's do this!" Lavender was determined now.

Snape drew in a slow breath through his nose,

"Legilimency."

Lavender thought of boobs. More specifically, Hermione Granger's boobs. She'd grown an impressive rack once she hit her sixth year.

Snape withdrew immediately. He felt vastly uncomfortable looking at the naked breasts of one of his students.

"Brown, please focus on something else."  
"Why?" Lavender wondered, "It's working, isn't it?"  
"You're making me look at breasts. It's inappropriate."

"Would it work on Voldemort?" Lavender asked him.

"Do not say his name in front of me." Snape hissed at her, then frowned. Would it work on the Dark Lord?

It was difficult to imagine such a confrontation.

"Some say," Lavender interrupted his thoughts, "That the most legendary power, the power of love and friendship could be overcome under the right circumstances by the power of the perfect pair of boobies."  
"Would you stop saying 'boobies'!?" Snape raged.

Lavender stared at him, wide-eyed, then snorted and covered her mouth,

"I got Satan to say 'boobies.'"

In response, the potions master let out a scream of frustration.


	7. Quirrell Exposed!

**Okay, so, not much to write about right now in terms of the story its self…I'll just skip straight to the disclaimer:**

**I do not own Harry Potter or any of the Fate series**

…

During the first week of December, Harry received a letter in the early morning.

"What's that?" Lavender looked over the boy's shoulder.

Because if it was something that might give her rival an edge in their next battle for glory, she wanted to know about it.

"Er, I don't know." Harry said, finding he didn't mind the way her chin rested on his shoulder (he did mentally question why she was tugging on his hair though).

"It's not like I know anyone magical outside of Hogwarts." Harry said puzzledly.

"Well, you should open the letter, then." Lavender said eagerly.

"Er…maybe I'll do it later…"  
"Why? Are you hiding something from me?"

"No, but…"  
"You aren't curious?"  
"Yes, but…"  
"Anything could be in that letter, Harry."

"Well, yes, but…"  
"It could be Gringotts telling you you're the heir of Merlin."  
"I doubt that." Harry brushed away that possibility, "And why would a letter like that come from Gringotts. They're a bank."  
"Details." Lavender brushed aside, "It could be someone informing you your relatives are dead and you've been left the only living relative."  
"Pretty sure all their things would go to Aunt Marge before it went to me." Harry said.  
"It could be a love letter from a secret admirer."  
Harry felt his face heat up,

"I-I doubt that."

Lavender's voice rose,

"Open the goddamn letter, Harry!"  
"Okay!" Harry jerked in his seat and quickly tore the envelope open.

The two of them read the letter together.

_Hello Harry,_

_My name is Sirius Black. This is a little awkward writing all this in a letter, but…_

"Holy crap, I was right, it's a love letter!" Lavender gapped (okay, she knew it wasn't, but that awkward opening though…).

Harry's face turned quite red at this.

"I don't think so, Lav."  
_My name is Sirius Black. This is a little awkward writing this in a letter, but I was a close friend of your parents, Lily and James. In fact, I was your father's best man at their wedding. I was also named your godfather._

"Godfather?" Harry repeated.

Being eleven, Harry actually didn't know what a godfather was or what they were for. A lot of magical children had grown up with one nearby, but it wasn't as common in the muggle world.

"It means he's a member of the magical mafia." Lavender informed him.

"The magical mafia?" Harry repeated doubtfully.

The letter continued,

_I was hoping we could spend the winter holidays together to get to know one another a little better. I'm sorry I couldn't see you sooner. I'm sure by now you've read the news in the Daily Prophet, but I was in prison for a few years and couldn't fulfil my duties or take care of you. Since Pettigrew has been taken care of, I've been released though._

Harry starred at the letter blankly.

Lavender moved away from Harry's shoulder. She was trying so hard to hide her laughter, she was shaking.

Dear Merlin, didn't Black know most eleven-year-olds didn't read the paper?

The look on Harry's face!

"Lavender?" Harry spoke weakly, "What does he mean…about Pettigrew and…er, him being 'taken care of'?"

"Uh, well…" Lavender trailed off.

Before she could explain the whole misunderstanding, Harry got up from his seat,

"I need to…go."

"Um, where are you going?" Lavender watched him leave.  
Harry didn't respond.

Lavender's eyes remained on Harry's back a while. She shrugged her shoulders. Well…he'd figure out she'd been joking eventually.

….

00000000000000000

…

Later that day came another Quidditch match. This one between Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff. Lavender had brought her binoculars with her, but she wasn't watching the game, like most of the players.

No…she was watching the teacher's box.

Lavender licked her lips. They were all there…Quirrell had just sat down. Lavender grinned, reaching into her pocket.

"What are you doing, Brown?" A voice growled from behind her.  
"Ah." Lavender put her binoculars down, "Actually Satan?" She looked up at the unamused Potions professor, "What are you doing here with us Gryffindors?"  
"Making sure none of you dunderheads do something unbelievably stupid. Namely you, Brown."

"Oh yeah? Would a dunderhead be able to bind Actually Satan to contract that prohibited him from stealing the souls of Harry, Padma and me?"  
"Padma?" Parvati ask from her right side, "You included your best friend's sister but not your best friend?"  
"Padma needs all the help she can get. Have you seen her? The girl's a wreck!" Lavender pointed to the girl who looked quite identical to Parvati but in Ravenclaw robes. She was swinging around towel…or something for reasons no one understood.

Parvati looked over at her sister and shrugged her shoulders,

"That's fair, I guess…"  
"And, well, I figured it would take a better deal than the one I got to save your soul from damnation. I'm working on it, don't worry."

"Well, as long as you're working on it…"  
"I'm not Satan, Brown!" Snape growled.

"Of course, not." Lavender rolled her eyes (like she actually believed him), "And I thought the devil encouraged this sort of thing."  
"I'm not –"

"He's there, Lav." Parvati interrupted, "So, do you want to do this now and get in trouble, or do you want to do this later when the Dark Lord Lucifer is gone…"  
"I'm not Satan!"  
"Eh. Best to just get this out of the way." Lavender grinned, taking out the big red button again, "One Hundred Percent Maximum No Chill!"

"Boom!"

Across the stadium in the teacher's booth, all the teachers were suddenly covered by some sort of green goop.

"What is that? What did you do?" Snape demanded, then his eyes widened.  
He recognised that potion…

"No." He whispered with horror.

Several kids screamed.

Lavender shielded her eyes.

It was Neville Longbottom's Ecchi clothing dissolving slime. Lavender had asked him to make some more of it when she'd noticed the effects it had.  
Under the proper tutelage, Neville could grow into an erotic genius!

Of course, Lavender was already busy being Harry's rival. She'd have to find someone else to teach him. It wasn't often you came across someone with that sort of potential.

I the meantime, she'd have to deal with the fallout of her latest escapade.

"Oh, Merlin, it's worse than I thought!" Parvati tied her Gryffindor scarf around her eyes, whispering a prayer for it all to be over.

She heard the sound of spells being cast. Someone was having a duel. With all their clothing gone, Quirrell's turban will also have vanished leaving Voldemort exposed! Er, pun not intended.

A horrible screaming filled the stadium.

In two years, Remus Lupin would be scratching his head over why so many bogarts featured a naked man with two faces, but that was a story for another time.

….

00000000000000000000000000

…

Lavender, Parvati, Seamus, Neville, and Harry all sat in the headmaster's office.

"Um…why am I here?" Harry asked hesitantly, "I don't think I did anything wrong…"  
"Silence, Potter!" Snape snapped at him.

Harry recoiled slightly but obeyed him.

Dumbledore walked in, now clothed in some (in his opinion) rather dashing vibrant orange robes with purple flowers on them.

He sat down in the seat across from the kids, looking them all over in turn.

"Now then." Dumbledore began (he didn't look happy), "What, may I ask compelled the four of you to dissolve the clothes of every professor in Hogwarts?"

"I didn't do that!" Harry said, looking completely an utterly horrified, "I wasn't even there!"  
"You were, Potter!" Snape glared at the boy.

"I missed this game." He insisted, "I was in the library studying a history of the magical mafia with Hermione. You can ask her, and Madam Pince was there too."  
"Harry, you can go." Dumbledore said, not really understanding why he was there either.

"Thank you, sir." Harry said with relief, getting up from his chair.

"Oh, right!" Lavender suddenly remembered something as the door closed behind Harry, "Shoot…I forgot to tell Harry…ah, you know, it's not that important, I'm sure he'll figure it out on his own eventually."

Surely, they'd be laughing about this all in a few years time.

"Miss Brown," Dumbledore spoke, "What in the world compelled you to dissolve the clothes of every professor in Hogwarts?"

"The girl's a menace!" Snape glared at Lavender, "I demand she be expelled!"  
"I didn't mean to dissolve the clothes of all the teachers." Lavender defended herself, "But _somebody_ had to get crazy with the explosives again." She shot Seamus a glare.

"Okay, so the slime part was bad." Seamus admitted, "But did you see it? Did you hear it? That explosion was awesome!"

"I'd give it a six." Parvati mumbled.

"Headmaster, you must talk some sense into them, they don't even care!" Snape shouted.

"Yes, quite right." Dumbledore agreed, "Miss Patil, I believe the explosion merits a seven, at least."

"That's not what I mean!" Snape screamed, face growing a very curious shade of red.

"I'm getting to that, Severus." Dumbledore said calmly, "Miss Brown, a note will be sent to your mother. Furthermore, you will be serving two weeks detention with Professor McGonagall."  
"Two weeks!?" Snape shot him an incredulous look.

"I believe they were attempting to expose Quirrell and Voldemort." Dumbledore paused, "Poor choice of words."

Lavender snickered.

"Fifteen pointes will be taken from each of you for being so reckless." He paused, "But, take ten points each for helping…uncover a dark wizard and protecting the students and teachers here. That being said." Dumbledore looked over his glasses at Lavender, "I had actually called in an exorcist to come look at Quirrell during the winter break when the students were out, after seeing those answers to the questions I wrote for you."

"Oh." Lavender said dumbly.

Whoops.

Dumbledore let out a sigh,

"Perhaps this is my fault for not telling you and allowing you to worry for so long. For that, I take responsibility."

"Well, no harm no foul." Lavender said, "Well…aside from all the students who saw…that. Well, I'm sure in a few years we'll all laugh over the whole thing."

"Probably not." Parvati murmured under her breath.


	8. Sirius the Mafia Boss

**I'm back with a new post! And I still don't own Harry Potter.**

…

Harry robotically walked after McGonagall, lagging slightly behind her as they moved down the halls.

McGonagall looked back at the boy.

"Mister Potter, please don't believe what people say about Mister Black."  
Harry tensed,

"W-what do they say, professor?"

McGonagall gave him a peculiar look, then shook her head,

"Never you mind. It's not important."  
Harry looked slightly green as they reached the headmaster's office. Right…he just needed to remember what he'd read with Hermione.

Remember the plan…remember the plan…remember the plan…

Fuck. What was the plan again?

"Musk sticks."  
Harry looked up when McGonagall muttered the password.

That was a weird password.

McGonagall muttered something about telling Dumbledore off for making her say something so weird.

"…is that even a candy?"

Candy? Harry wondered, then his mind snapped back to the reason he was climbing up the secret stairs towards the headmaster's office to begin with.

"Come in." Dumbledore's voice came from inside the room, filtering through the doorway.

McGonagall opened the door and entered the office.

Harry tensed.

A very pale looking man with yellow teeth and long, black hair turned around in his seat. He might have been handsome…if not for those two key factors.

Harry shook a little.

"Ah, Harry." Dumbledore smiled at the boy benevolently, "I would like you to meet your godfather, Sirius Black."  
"Y-you know he's a godfather and…and you still let him into the school?" Harry's eyes widened.

Sirius Black looked quite confused at Harry's reaction.

Dumbledore hummed. He opened his mouth, then closed it, tilted his head to the side, then reached across his desk to a bowl full of hard candy and popped a lemon drop in his mouth.

"I invoke my ignatum right!" Harry quickly remembered the plan.

Dumbledore choked on his candy, then ended up swallowing it whole.

Why was Harry trying to call on the protection of the magical mafia?

"Where did you learn about something like that?" Sirius wondered, "And why are you trying to use it?"  
Sirius's grandfather had often done business with members of magical organised crime groups so he was familiar with some of the terminology.

Could it be? Had Harry heard about the Black family and was scared that Sirius was a dark wizard?

Well, he supposed that was a reasonable reaction, trying to come up with a smart way to defend ones self…but to make a deal with the magical Mafia?

James and Lily would be rolling in their graves! (Yes, they were, but from laughter)

"Harry, I will never hurt you." Sirius said, "I'm different from the rest of my family."  
Harry shot him a suspicious look.

So, he admitted he was part of the Magical Mafia? And in front of Dumbledore no less! Maybe the headmaster wasn't as trustworthy as he'd originally believed.

"Oh yeah?" Harry frowned, "Have you ever killed a man?"  
"Wha? Of course, not!" Sirius's eyes widened.

Just what was it that people had been saying about him? Was this about Pettigrew?

"Look, the thirteen muggles that exploded was a frame-up!"  
Harry's eyes went wide.

He'd killed thirteen people?

"That's why Pettigrew is gone now."  
And he killed that guy named Pettigrew as well?

"Anyways," Sirius let out a sigh, "I went over to your relatives house to have a talk."  
"W-what did you do to them?" Harry asked him palely.

It wasn't that he loved his relatives, but still, he wouldn't feel too good if they'd been killed because of him.

"We just talked!" Sirius sputtered, "About your custody. Anyways, you'll be living with me from now on."  
He'd gotten custody of him? Just how far up was he to have that sort of pull?

Harry then started weighing his options in his mind.

"Will I still be allowed to attend Hogwarts?"

"Of course!" Sirius wondered why he thought he wouldn't be.

"When I live with you, will I be given three meals a day?"  
"Wha? Yes! Why wouldn't you?"

He decided to push his luck.

"Do I get my own bedroom?"  
"Yes…" Sirius was starting to worry.

What kind of life had Harry lived that he thought he wouldn't get something so basic?

He made a mental vow to prank the hell out of the Dursleys the next time he went around to visit.

Harry in the meantime was starting to think that, at the very least, being under the protection of the Mafia didn't sound too bad. And if Death Eaters attacked they might start a war with organized crime, and surely they wouldn't risk that, especially if Sirius Black was as high ranking as he seemed.

"Okay, fine." Harry said, "But I don't want to be involved in anything illegal and you won't use me as a drug mule."  
Forget pranking, Sirius was going to murder the Dursleys.

But how to get away with it…

Dumbledore looked between Harry and Sirius and popped another lemon drop in his mouth.

He wasn't entirely sure he was following along, but he had a vague suspicion that this was Lavender Brown's doing.

….

00000000000

….

As Lavender left for her Christmas holidays, she couldn't shake the strange feeling that she'd forgotten to tell Harry something.

Oh well. It probably wasn't important.

All the children unloaded off the Hogwarts Express, rushing off to meet their families.

Harry approached Sirius Black on the platform. Another man was there waiting with him.

"Hello, Harry. I'd like you to meet Remus. He was a close friend of your dads and a really good friend of mine." Sirius introduced the two.

Harry looked Remus over warily.

He looked run-down. His robes were somewhat tattered, and he had a tired look about him.

Maybe it was because he'd _seen_ things, Harry thought.

"Are you…a member of Sirius's family?" He decided to ask.

He didn't know that he should talk about the Mafia while they were in a train station full of people.

"Not by blood." Remus told him, "But we're as close as brothers."

"Really?" Harry wondered.

He hadn't expected him to be a high-ranking member as well.

"And…my parents were…like that?"  
Remus furrowed his brow in confusion at the wording.

Like what exactly?

Lavender passed them by, chatting happily with her aunt when she saw Harry.

Oh, right! She remembered now what she was supposed to tell him. She looked between Remus and Sirius, then back over at Harry and shrugged her shoulders.

Well, he'd probably figured it all out by now anyways.

Her and her Aunt Ness continued along their way out of the train station and Lavender once again forgot about the joke she'd played on Harry which had (unknowingly) gotten completely out of hand.

…

000000000000000000000000

….

"Lavender!"

Lavender was scooped up into a hug when she got home by her mother.

"Oh, I missed you so much! How was Hogwarts? Did you make lots of friends?" She pulled away from her daughter who had been just about starting to suffocate.

"I made a ton of friends! I even got a rival!"  
"A rival?" Her mother wondered questioningly.

"We did receive a lot of letters from Hogwarts." Ness recalled, "Especially from a rather irate gentleman who insisted he wasn't Satan. Rather peculiar…"

"He's our potions professor." Lavender supplied helpfully.

"I…see…" Ness said, an odd look on her face.

He hadn't written out his real name and she found the letters most confusing. Lavender had put a propulsion engine underneath the chair or one of the teachers and sent them flying? Their Lavender?  
That didn't seem right…

"I made cookies!" Lavender's mother said excitedly.

"Chocolate chip?" Lavender asked her.

"Of course!"

….

0000000000000000

….

"Sirius? Is something wrong?" Remus asked after Harry had been sent to bed for the night.

"Well…you might think this is strange, Remus…but I think Harry might be involved with the magical mafia."

"What?"

…

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….

The kids all returned to Hogwarts after New Years. Harry's eyes were sparkling and happy. He'd never had a holiday like that before! Hell, he'd never had a Christmas like that before! He'd gotten presents and Sirius…well, his godfather had actually gone a bit overboard, if Harry were being obvious.

He'd bought Harry a whole wardrobe of clothes, toys, books, and candy. Then there were the presents he'd gotten from his friends.

Ron's mother had gotten him a homemade sweater and fudge. Hermione had gotten him a copy of _Hogwarts: A History_ and Lavender had gotten him a book demonic contracts titled _How to Outwit the Devil_.

He did wonder if she really believed Snape was Actually Satan or if it was all an act.

Ron just thought she was barmy.

When Harry explained to Sirius why Lavender had sent him to the book, he'd burst into uncontrollable laughter.

Why this was so funny, Harry didn't know.

And, of course, he'd also received an invisibility cloak which had apparently once belonged to his father according to the note he'd gotten with it which had been unsigned. Sirius had confirmed that the cloak had indeed belonged to his father.

…..

000000000000000000000

….

"Hey, Lavender." Harry greeted his friend and rival.

"Hey, Harry." Lavender grinned at him, "Are you getting pumped for our duel? The time is fast approaching."  
"Oh. Right." Harry said.

He'd been practicing dueling with Flitwick. He wondered how Lavender was coming along with her dueling practice with Snape.

"Hm, guess I'll have to push myself hard for the day of the duel." Lavender grinned, "Maybe I could practice in the Room of Requirements."  
"The Room of what?" Harry wondered.

"Hey…" Lavender suddenly thought of something, "That's an idea…Sorry, Harry, I just thought of something! I need to run."  
And with that, she rushed off to who knows where.

"Hey, Harry."  
Harry turned to see Ron.

"How was your winter break?"  
"Pretty good." Harry said, "Yours?"  
"It was good." Ron said, "Say, you know, I asked my mother about godfather's over the holidays and what they were…"

….

**For those of you wondering, Musk Sticks are indeed a candy. As are all the other passwords to Dumbledore's office. I thought I should clear this up since someone asked about it.**


	9. Modern Lingo

**How to describe Lavender Brown…Chaotic Good?**

**I do not own Harry Potter nor am I affiliated with the makers of the Fate abridged series (but check it out, it's pretty fantastic).**

…**..**

Lavender came walking out of the girls' dormitory the next morning. Seamus was muttering something under his breath. He was wearing a black eyepatch and a white ribbon of bandages around his arm for…some reason.

Had he dressed like that in the last timeline? She tried thinking back.

It was difficult to say…Seamus had always been a background character, so…

She shrugged it off,

"Hey, Seamus."  
"No." Seamus spoke up, "There is no Seamus. There was never a Seamus. I am Zero of the balance. Born of the forbidden union between a devil and an angel in my past life!"

Lavender blinked,

"Okay?" She tilted her head to the side, then realized, "Ah. Like in the manga I sent to you for Christmas?"

"The Holy Books."  
"Sure." Lavender shrugged her shoulders.

"By the way, the current chosen one of this life wishes to see you. He says you have set him against his godfather who was not on the side of the dark as you had proclaimed."  
"Ah…" Lavender furrowed her brow.

In her mind she wondered if she was going to have to interpret 'chuunibyou' for the next seven years.

"Oh." Lavender realized, "Harry had been taking my joke about godfathers being members of the mafia seriously all this time and finally realized it wasn't true?"

Seamus nodded his head, eyes severe.

"Oh boy."

He wasn't going to be happy.

"It was really just a joke! I didn't think he'd take me seriously." Lavender pouted, then crossed her arms.

Well, what now?

She shook her head,

"I really should be getting to breakfast. I have a big day ahead of me. Start of a new term. All the new magic being taught in class, avoiding Harry for a bit until he calms down…" Lavender paused, "Alternatively…"

….

00000000000000000000

…..

"Gonna get magical up in here!" Lavender shouted as she ran back and forth in front of a tapestry portraying a bunch of trolls learning ballet like a madwoman.

Really, she'd been meaning to do this for a long time now and not doing it and going to classes would just be putting it off longer.

Really, it had nothing to do with the fact that an angry eleven-year-old boy was likely plotting his vengeance for the foreseeable classes (How had she ever been sorted into Gryffindor?).

Horcruxes…Horcruxes…Horcruxes…I need to gather all the horcruxes and have the means of destroying them!

A door appeared where there had previously not been a door.

Success!

Lavender opened the door to the room of requirements only to feel terribly disappointed.

There, in the middle of the room was a stand with a shiny, silver diadem with a blue gem hanging down the center.

Okay, that was probably a horcrux…

And beside that was a vial labeled _Phoenix Tears._

"Hm…I was hoping for all the horcruxes…but I guess one will do. Alright! Let's do this!" She ran into the room, slamming the door behind her.

She uncorked the phoenix tears.

"Is this really going to work? Do I just…pour it?" Shrugging her shoulders, then did just that.

Steam came off the ancient artifact, which then turned a most interesting shade of black.  
The wraith of Voldemort came out of the thing screaming.

Lavender took a step back in surprise.

And then the black ghost…thing was dragged downwards, shattered in a burning inferno. She thought she might have heard a phoenix's song (though she may have imagined it).

Lavender then picked up the diadem and looked it over.

Not a scratch.

Did that mean it could still be used for…whatever it had originally been used for?

Should she hold onto it? At the very least, she should probably tell the headmaster that she'd managed to destroy one or…purify one? Who would have thought phoenix tears could do something like that? It was certainly easier than procuring Basilisk venom or casting Fiend Fire on the thing.

Lavender left the room of requirements deciding this was something to bother Snape with.

As she wandered down the halls and down the stairs, she came running into Hermione Granger of all people.  
"There you are!" The bushy-haired girl had a frown on her face.

Uh oh. She knew that look.

That was Hermione Granger's legendary Lecture Mode look.

"Do you know I've been looking everywhere for you? Professor McGonagall wanted to know why you weren't in class."  
"Uh, well…" Lavender began.  
"There's no excuse for skipping classes, Lavender Brown." Hermione put her hands on her hips, "I don't care if those magazines you read say that it's 'cool' or that –"

She was probably going to go on for a while, Lavender thought.

" – Parvati wouldn't, even though she's your friend. Perhaps you ought to take a page out of her book, or _magazine_, if that's what –"

Hm…Lavender looked down at the diadem in her hands, then back up at Hermione.

She had heard the diadem had some pretty awesome powers…

"- With nothing but a waffle!"

Wait, what? What was she talking about now? She had, admittedly zoned out a few times. How long had Hermione been lecturing her again?

Eh, might as well go for it.

Lavender placed the diadem on Hermione's head.

"Wha? Whoa…" Hermione tilted back and forth, a peculiar expression on her face.

She seemed a bit dazed at first, and then she started to glow with a golden aura.

"Hermione?" Lavender asked, "Hermione?" She waved a hand in front of her face.

Hermione blinked, then straightened on the spot.

"You, girl!"

"Ha? Me?" Lavender wondered.

"Is there another girl around here?" Hermione inquired, "The year…it is…nineteen ninety-two, correct?"  
"Yes…" Lavender trailed off, wondering what was going on now, "You okay, Hermione?"

"Hermione? Is that this girl's name?"  
"Oh…fuck. You aren't Voldemort, are you?" Lavender was almost afraid to ask.

Hermione frowned,

"No."  
Lavender let out a sigh of relief,

"Close call…So…who are you? Because you aren't Hermione."  
"I am Rowena Ravenclaw. One of the four founders of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry."  
"Oh, fuck me!"  
"You are a bit young for me, I'm afraid." Rowena-Hermione declined.

Lavender blinked, realizing she'd taken what she said as being a little too literal. She tilted her head to the side.

That wouldn't be a terrible way to go, actually…She shook her head of those thoughts.

"You are the child who cleansed my diadem?"  
At Lavender's nod, she spoke again,

"You have my thanks. However unintentional it may be, however, it seems my diadem has absorbed some of my consciousness from before I died…Fascinating."  
"Yeah…" Lavender thought this was just plain weird, really, "Er, and you can speak perfect, modern English?"  
"I have acclimatized myself to your modern lingo using the knowledge of this girl."  
Modern lingo? Lavender wondered.

"So…" Lavender wanted to get all of this straight in her head, "You're Rowena Ravenclaw? And…you're using Hermione's knowledge to…better understand the modern world? And…you're trapped in the diadem?"  
"Fo shizzle." Rowena-Hermione responded (completely serious).

"Lavender! Hermione!" Harry came walking over towards them.

He did not look happy.

"Are classes over?" Lavender wondered.

"Yes…they've been over for the last twenty minutes at least." Harry frowned, "Why did you let me believe my godfather was a part of the magical Mafia?"

"Uh, more importantly, Hermione's currently being possessed right now by the spirit of Rowena Ravenclaw. Thoughts?" So, maybe she was deflecting a little bit…

"Hermione?" Harry turned to the girl, noting the diadem on her head.

"My name is Rowena Ravenclaw." Rowena-Hermione spoke, "You are acquainted with Hermione Granger?"  
"Uh…" Harry's eyes widened with some panic, "Can you…bring Hermione back?"  
"Of course."

Harry let out a breath.

"Though not now. I have many things I wish to do before I must be put back to sleep."  
"Is Hermione cool with that?" Lavender just wanted to make sure.

"The girl is happy." Rowena-Hermione shrugged her shoulders, "I offered her the library within the diadem. So far, she hasn't made so much as a peep."  
Lavender looked over at Harry and put a hand on his shoulder,

"I'm sorry, Harry. We may never see her again."  
"We need…we need to tell Professor Dumbledore!" Harry paled, forgetting his previous anger towards Lavender.

"The current headmaster?" Rowena guessed, "I suppose that is fine…"  
"Well…I guess we could go get Actually Satan to let us in." Lavender figured.

They were close to the potions classroom after all.

Harry didn't care, he just wanted to be sure Hermione was alright.

…

000000000000000000

…

Dumbledore looked between Hermione (apparently Rowena Ravenclaw), Harry, Lavender and Snape as they stood in front of his desk in his office. He then looked down at the medical report Poppy had given him after her examination of Hermione Granger and Rowena Ravenclaw.

He noted the diadem Hermione, now Rowena was wearing.

He picked up his tray of candies.  
"Lemon drop?"

"A candy? Thank you." She picked one up out of the tray, "These modern confectionaries have such curious names." She popped it in her mouth.

Dumbledore took a candy for himself, sucking on the hard candy and looking around the room.

"I do wish to ask," Rowena looked over at the potions master, "Your name is Satan?"

"It is not!" Snape shot Lavender a glare, "My name is Severus Snape."

"I see…" She then looked to Lavender Brown, "Why do you call him Satan?"  
"Actually Satan." Lavender corrected, then shrugged her shoulders, "It made perfect sense at the time. Oh, and this is Harry Potter, by the way. He's my sworn rival."  
"Your…rival?" Rowena repeated, then turned to Harry, "So, you and this girl are tight?" She paused, "Tight…never thought I'd use that word that way."

"Er, yes." Harry figured that it was better to just go along with it rather than explain the weird complexities of their relationship.

Dumbledore cleared his throat,

"It is an honour to meet you, Lady Ravenclaw." In fact, he was having some trouble believing this was even possible…although he supposed, with the magic of the diadem it could have absorbed her consciousness before death had she been wearing it at the time…

"Am I to assume that Miss Granger is still inside your mind?"  
"She is." Rowena dipped her chin in confirmation.

"And she is alright with these arrangements?" Dumbledore wanted to make sure.

"She is. I have allowed her into the virtual library inside the diadem. She can take control whenever she wants, since this is her body. I simply made a deal with her. Should she wish for her body back, she need only take it."

That…sounded about right, Dumbledore thought with a sigh.

"I would ask that she continue attending classes." He said, "But I suppose…if she wishes to continue with this deal otherwise, outside of her schoolwork then I see no problem."

Harry was about to protest, then closed his mouth.

He had a feeling…Hermione would never forgive him if he took her away from an ancient library.

Hermione's face was blank for nearly a minute. Then, she nodded.

"I have discussed it with the girl. She has given me the okay." She paused, "What a strange expression."

Dumbledore hummed, then popped another lemon drop in his mouth.

From what he could tell, the diadem wasn't feeding off of her. They'd run all the spells they could and if Miss Granger wanted to spend time in an ancient library, well, who was he to deny a student the opportunity to learn old magic?

"Ah, right." Lavender remembered, "Professor?" She drew his attention, "So…the diadem was one of those things that Voldemort left behind, but I kind of cleansed it in phoenix tears. A big black wraith came out of it and was destroyed."  
Dumbledore's eyes widened. Until he reminded himself that diagnostics had come up negative for anything dark having to do with the diadem.

"Yes. The girl cleaned my diadem." Rowena confirmed, "I owe her a great debt for what she has done."

Lavender would have brushed it off, but…having one of the founders owe her? That would be so awesome!

"In that case," Lavender licked her lips, "There's an evil, Dark Wizard after Harry's life. You think you could teach the two of us how to fight?"

"Huh?" Harry wondered why he was being dragged into this.

"I could give you a lesson every now and then." Rowena said thoughtfully.

"Awesome!"  
"Uh…that is pretty cool, I guess…" Harry admitted.

"Right, so, we good?" Lavender asked Harry.

"I…I guess…" Harry let out a sigh.


End file.
